Today I tend to my wounds from the awful assault on my patience that was the Oscars. I don't know why I watch anymore. Changes need to be made - let's open the doors for some big ideas over at the Academy.
Some quick suggestions:
Themed Oscar Parties: Who doesn't like to play dress-up? Is anyone else tired of seeing the same glittery glam year in and year out? I don't care who's wearing who, really I don't. And that weird Steven Tyler lookalike needs to go. Wouldn't it be more fun to have a 'Beach Party' themed Oscars? Have Hollywood's most beautiful decked in barely-there designer bikinis? At least THIS would intice the male audience learn more about haute couture. I can just see someone standing around the water cooler, asking his buddy what he thought of the D-Squared two piece on Jessica Biel.
Other good themes would be: "Toddler" (everyone dresses like a baby - a quick way to get a pacifier in a longwinded award winner's mouth, "Field and Farm" (bringing the best in rural fashion to the red carpet, and "Jungle" (any excuse to get Scarlett in a leopard loincloth).
Or, how about making it mandatory for all actor nominees to come in character? Wouldn't it have been great to see Alan Arkin's Grandpa snap a peice off of Melissa or Joan as he licks his lips and unbuttons his belt?
What if we forced each of young Hollywood's stars to partner with a 'mentor' for the evening, then sent a camera crew to follow Robert Downey Jr. and Haley Joel Osment as they partyhop? I'm taking side-bets on who's carrying who home.
Or send a reality-show crew to follow each nominee as they get ready for their big night, swearing and bossing around immigrants, employees, and agents...then hit the Oscars with a Vaseline and Valium smile.
These are off the top of my head, and (obviously), not terribly well thought out. I welcome your suggestions though - because we can't complain about how big a shit-show the Oscars have become without offering some ridiculous suggestions to spice 'em up.