Oh, Scars

Today I tend to my wounds from the awful assault on my patience that was the Oscars. I don't know why I watch anymore. Changes need to be made - let's open the doors for some big ideas over at the Academy.

Some quick suggestions:

Themed Oscar Parties: Who doesn't like to play dress-up? Is anyone else tired of seeing the same glittery glam year in and year out? I don't care who's wearing who, really I don't. And that weird Steven Tyler lookalike needs to go. Wouldn't it be more fun to have a 'Beach Party' themed Oscars? Have Hollywood's most beautiful decked in barely-there designer bikinis? At least THIS would intice the male audience learn more about haute couture. I can just see someone standing around the water cooler, asking his buddy what he thought of the D-Squared two piece on Jessica Biel.

Other good themes would be: "Toddler" (everyone dresses like a baby - a quick way to get a pacifier in a longwinded award winner's mouth, "Field and Farm" (bringing the best in rural fashion to the red carpet, and "Jungle" (any excuse to get Scarlett in a leopard loincloth).

Or, how about making it mandatory for all actor nominees to come in character? Wouldn't it have been great to see Alan Arkin's Grandpa snap a peice off of Melissa or Joan as he licks his lips and unbuttons his belt?

What if we forced each of young Hollywood's stars to partner with a 'mentor' for the evening, then sent a camera crew to follow Robert Downey Jr. and Haley Joel Osment as they partyhop? I'm taking side-bets on who's carrying who home.

Or send a reality-show crew to follow each nominee as they get ready for their big night, swearing and bossing around immigrants, employees, and agents...then hit the Oscars with a Vaseline and Valium smile.

These are off the top of my head, and (obviously), not terribly well thought out. I welcome your suggestions though - because we can't complain about how big a shit-show the Oscars have become without offering some ridiculous suggestions to spice 'em up.

LA

It's booked, bitches.

March 31-April 26. My first step into the lion's cage.

Anyone have a friend that is looking to sublet for the month of April? I'm your man.

Turns out my cousin is moving to LA in March. This serendipitous turn really relieves a bit of the 'who am I going to hang out with for a month' tension. Now there's only the 'am I good enough to make this transition or am I stupid enough to think it's a good idea' tension to worry about.

I gotta go into this with confidence, or the ship is sunk before we leave port - that's my opinion. I'd love to hear some horror stories of LA trips...pitches gone sour, meetings that made you cry, that sort of thing. It's not that I take pleasure in your pain (although I likely do), it's that whole thing about making you feel you're not alone, the needy-writer thing.

More updates as I find a place to stay, start carving out my schedule, and all that jazz.

For now, I'm fucking freezing.